read the article at them.us

read the article at LMAOnaise.com

read the article at vogue.co.uk

I had this plan to write a letter to each of my four ex-boyfriends and read them as ASMR. I’m posting them here instead because they came out a little bit sad and I don’t want to cry on camera. (It’s a waste because there’s no Oscars this year or whatever!)

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Dear Jake,

You are the only ex-boyfriend whose real name I am using for obvious reasons. When we dated freshman year for 3 months, I had to get a special dispensation from my mom because technically I was not supposed to have a boyfriend until I was 16. It was a short relationship but a very important one for obvious reasons.

I would like to set the record straight that you were in fact my first kiss, unlike the revisionist history I tried to perpetuate in the years following when I said that it was my neighbor who I met in confirmation class and used to talk to on instant messenger all the time. I did kiss him but it was well after you and I kissed and then he ended up kind of stalking me and scaring me a bit. Let the record show that my first kiss was with you in Craig Swidler’s basement.

I remember when you called my pink flip phone and I missed it and I knew you were calling to break up with me. I rang you back and we agreed we should stop dating and remain best friends. We both knew that January to March was just enough time for two fourteen year olds to “date.” Did we ever even go on a date?

Dating you was fundamentally important because now you’re my best friend who knows me better than anyone. Sometimes you tell me how I am feeling. You’re the only person in the world who can do that. You just did it the other day! (To anyone reading, wondering how a man could be so perceptive, he’s gay. Duh.)

If I was to truly write you a letter, it would be longer than this. I’ll probably send you a text longer than this in five minutes. Anyway, I would do anything for you.

○○○

Dear High School Boyfriend,

Meeting you the fall of freshman year was so, so exciting. I will never forget that backyard party when I saw you and thought you were so hot and I forget which of your friends I told but they did amazing work with that information. Having a boyfriend who went to another school was iconic and you weren’t even bothered by the fact that I, at that time, was waiting until marriage to have sex.

Do you remember coming to my parents’ house to hang out with me after I got my tonsils removed? I smelled really bad and you sat with me and I think we watched a movie.

Over the course of our relationship, we got stoned and went to that sushi place at Goodwives Shopping Center maybe 100 times. Tengda! (That’s the name of the restaurant not a random outburst.) Every single time we went I got a Rainbow Roll with the special sauce (which I later found out is eel sauce mixed with spicy mayo, in case anyone is looking to try it at home).

For Valentine’s Day you took me to that really fancy place in Greenwich. I loved your Jeep and that we could make out in your room at your parents’ house. We had one playlist we would listen to over and over. We never got sick of kissing for hours to Animal Collective, “Wavin’ Flag” by K’naan, and “Pimpin’ All Over the World” by Ludacris. Still slaps.

Proms were fun. I feel guilty we didn’t really hook up after yours and it was because of me. I wasn’t in the mood! I had to catch a flight to Ireland the next day and I missed you so much while I was there. We had such a fun summer visiting the Block Island House and doing bad things in the outdoor shower. Thankfully for teenage us, the bible says you can do bad things you just can’t have P in V sex. When we broke up before college, I was ready. I thought a lot of fun experiences with guys were awaiting me at BC. That turned out to not be the case.

We ran into each other on Metro-North recently and awkwardly chatted the entire ride. Maybe we both would have preferred to wear headphones but I thought it was nice. Thank you for showing me what it felt like to be adored by a boy. I wish I had internalized more of how you treated me than how the boys before and after did. I think so highly of you and I am thankful we had each other when we did.

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Dear College Boyfriend,

I call you that but you were not in college when we dated, only I was. It’s taken me almost a decade to understand how dating a 26 year old when I was 19 profoundly shaped my view of relationship dynamics. I was fully in it and if anything I pursued you. I don’t feel like a victim I just wish I knew more then.

I had a crush on you since I was 14 and I was so excited when we started gchatting and Skype-ing after the New Years you spent visiting my brothers. I was in my college dorm and you were in your SoCal apartment. I’ve gone back and read those emails a couple of times and they are really sweet and sincere.

That first winter break I flew out to visit was so fucking exciting - we got to kiss for the first time after all of the build up. Looking back, I find it weird that no one said anything to me about the age difference. Not that I would’ve listened - probably just would’ve cited that I was mature for my age and done whatever I wanted anyway.

Going to Coachella with you and your friends in 2011 was very important for me personally even though some were very vocal that they did not want me to be there (since it was “Bro-chella” after all). And we missed Lauryn Hill performing which was the one artist I really wanted to see because you didn’t want the boys to be mad at you for ditching them. I really think you guys, as unfathomable as it sounds, wanted to see Duck Sauce instead.

If I hadn’t gone to Coachella and done LSD while watching Kanye West headline, I might never have dropped out of college. I can identify that as one of several turning points in my life. I still remember when he played one of the songs from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and we sat down in the crowd and looked into each other’s eyes.

The good times were good and then the bad times were awful like

When you yelled at me for reminding your friend to collect money on her properties while we played Monopoly so I called you a psycho and you told me to pack my bags and almost sent me home… It wasn’t until recently, I realized that was the day I stopped liking board games.

When we were all drunk and the guys were peeing outside and you accused me of trying to look at our friend’s dick while he peed and were mad at me the whole night (I wasn’t looking at this dick but we did sleep together years later only once though)…

When you came to New York to visit after I dropped out of school and found out I shared a bed with my brother’s friend one drunken night, and even though nothing happened, you called me a slut, stormed out of the apartment, and threatened to fly home….

When you read my emails and Facebook messages where I told my friends in confidence I was feeling attracted to someone else and you called me while I was at work demanding answers…

I kept so much of this to myself when it happened because I didn’t want anyone getting mad at you. I knew that dating my brothers’ friend was a risk I was taking on and it shouldn’t be anyone else’s problem. I didn’t want them to think of you differently. We broke up Super Bowl weekend 2012 and I was sad that it ended but not sad it was over. I don’t regret losing my virginity to you because I did love you then and I felt safe and that you loved me back. Seeing you at my brother’s wedding was fine and cordial. I have no hard feelings toward you anymore and I just hope you’re okay and happy in your life.

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Dear Adult Boyfriend,

You know who you are! I want to start by saying I think you are a wonderful person and I am so thankful I was with you at such a crucial moment in my life (a moment being almost three years in this case). When you texted me the day after we first kissed, I was so surprised. I was sitting on the white couch in the Chinatown apartment watching TV and my phone lit up. We were so drunk and stayed up the whole night. I was in a fog but looking down at my phone, I was smiling.

It was a couple of months and a few fumbles before we started dating.

That one night we hooked up after a work happy hour and I left because you fell asleep and yes the candles were still burning because I was also drunk and forgot to blow them out…

The weekend you went to a bachelor party and when you got back you were showing me photos on your phone and accidentally showed me one of you kissing another girl and told me it was someone else but I said that’s your shirt so you came clean…

Those were silly little things before we got serious and our lives became deeply intertwined. We worked at the same place and you were one of my brothers’ best friends (you might say that’s an old habit of mine). I was so in love with you I downloaded The Bleacher Report so I could read about college football! I did ski school! I hung out with dogs!

You taught me how to be a really good girlfriend. You did not teach me how to be a really good partner. it wasn’t your fault at all that at 22, I had no sense of self.

When we moved in together, it made perfect sense and I thought we were going to get married. We had a really nice life between New York, Connecticut, and Vermont. You made me feel so safe and secure. Thank you for being there for me when I had an anxiety attack about my parents’ dying, brought on by that last season of Mad Men.

It was because of how confident I was in our relationship, as your girlfriend, that I looked outside of it for something new. That’s when I found comedy. I would’ve never done that if I didn’t know that I had your support always if it didn’t work out. That was what led to the end of our relationship but I think it really just pointed out some of the flaws we had been choosing to ignore. I didn’t actually want you to die in an avalanche, I just wanted to break up.

I’ve been so happy to watch you flourish and thrive in your new relationship and I wish you a very happy marriage. I genuinely feel lucky to have dated you in my early 20s before I had come into my own. In the years since, I have begun to understand how much being with you, especially toward the end, informed who I became in the years after.

○○○

I think four boyfriends is enough for one lifetime. Change my mind!

read the article at papermag.com

read the article at papermag.com

read the article on papermag.com

On November 18th, I booked a trip to Club Med Turks & Caicos. The twist?? I went by myself. I really wanted to go to a place where I couldn’t do any shows or hang out with anyone or feel distracted so I could get some writing done and do some REALIZING STUFF (per Kylie Jenner). I was hoping to come away with a few things (some tangible, some not), one of them being whether I’d recommend a solo vacation to others. I just got back and here you’ll see I’ve detailed the trip for you and my conclusion.

sunday - day 1

7:42AM | Dad drives me to the airport. We were supposed to leave at 7:30 but I didn’t want to get out of bed. Dad watched The Irishman the night before. He tells me he thought it was too long. He goes into the plot a little. I remain firm in my belief that I will never see the film. I think of a tweet but I’m not tweeting at the moment because I think twitter is making my brain decompose slowly. Here’s what I would’ve tweeted:

The Irishman is important bc the mob needs representation.

8:25AM | We make good time getting to JFK. I speed through security because I have TSA Pre-Check. I buy a FIJI water at a random establishment because the JetBlue terminal does not have a Hudson News.

8:50AM | I start one of the two books I purchased at McNally Jackson for the purpose of this trip. My process for buying books is to go into McNally Jackson and shop based on the covers. Sorry, it’s just who I am. The first book is called “Three Women” by Lisa Taddeo. It’s a detailed study and exploration of 3 American women’s sex lives. I can tell within the first 3 pages I’m going to like it.

9:44AM | We board the plane. It’s wild to me the emergency exit row seats are marketed as Even More Space or something and they often go empty because they’re more expensive. Who is going to save my ass if we go down?

1:32PM | The plane lands. I’ve gotten through about two thirds of the book. We deplane and I see a lot of families with young kids. Dads who look engaged and that makes me happy for them but also happy for me because I booked my stay at an adults-only resort where I know these children will not be.

1:46PM | I’m waiting at customs. I watch a woman cut the entire line by just saying “excuse me” and passing through. She’s earned my respect.

2:33PM | The van taking us from the airport pulls in to the resort. I’m immediately clocking every single person to assess whether or not they are hot enough to talk to. We are greeted and the employees tell us about our rooms and more importantly, the wifi. I connect. I have texts from two of my crushes. One is a boy and one is a girl. One is toxic and one is not. I feel okay saying that because I don’t think he’s reading this because I don’t think he actually cares about me or anything that I do. I put my phone down because I want to focus on what’s important: getting to the beach.

4:02PM | My room wasn’t ready when I arrived so I ate fries and tacos at Sharkie’s, the bar on the beach. I was on the verge of tears because I was really hungry. I get my bags to my room and finally change into my bathing suit, which consists of a black triangle top and thong bikini bottoms. I bought these specifically for the purposes of this trip. Some days I look in the mirror and I really, truly despise what I see. My brain tells me that if I had come on vacation before I gained 2lbs, I would be happier. I can be toxic all by myself ;) I wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake with the thong bottoms. I think of another tweet:

full from thanksgiving? might I suggest a trip to the beach?

4:16PM | I put on my green bottoms for today and head to the beach. I drop my things and run into the water. I realize that if I got pulled under by the current, no one would even know. I get out of the water. I’m almost done with this book by now. Some parts feel like the author is talking about me or directly to me. Some examples:

“… it’s funny when you’re in love or about to fall back in love, it’s funny how every single song is about that person.” p83

“..she doesn’t know whether it’s better to have a man who doesn’t love you than no man at all.” p81

“Men come to insert themselves, they turn a girl into a city. When they leave, their residue remains, the discoloration on the wood where the sun came through every day for many days, until one day it didn’t.” p63

“Sometimes there’s nothing worse than waiting for a text and being texted by the wrong person, by any person who is not that person.” p227

“The problem… is that a man will never let you fall completely into hell. He will scoop you up right before you drop the final inch so you cannot blame him for sending you there.” p164

I cry a little bit in the lounge chair. Sometimes, being a woman feels very unfair. The sun goes behind clouds. Beach time is over for today. I miss New York for the first time.

6:03PM | After I’ve showered and realized I brought like five shirts with no bottoms to go with them, I put on a white cropped tee and some pants from Reformation. I head to hang out near the dining room and finish my book. An older woman comments that I seem really “into” my book and her assessment is correct. I finish the book. I think of another tweet.

is dick ever really that good?

Clearly this book is thought-provoking.

7:12PM | I eat dinner alone and head back to my room to work on a script I’m writing. I think maybe at dinner tomorrow I’ll talk to some people.

12:16AM | I feel like I’ve written enough for the night. I have no wifi to stream in my room so I have to watch whatever I have saved on iTunes. I’m pleased it’s Bajillion Dollar Properties Season 2. I’ve seen this many times so I start at Episode 4. I set my alarm for 8AM and fall asleep.

monday - day 2

9:15AM | I get out of bed. I snoozed for over an hour. Whatever! I get in my bathing suit and put on sunscreen. Today is about the BEACH. I’ve come back around on my thong bathing suit bottoms, although my reflection still makes me want to jump out my second story window. I wouldn’t do that though because I’m too vain :)

9:36AM | I eat breakfast quickly so I can get maximum sun time. I text back my crushes. I go from the pool to the beach where I see a lot of couples. All the women have huge boobs and I’m like a little jealous to be honest. I think about the moments in life where I wanted a boob job. I’ll probably never get one. I begin reading the second book called White Negroes by Lauren Michelle Jackson. It’s about cultural appropriation and it’s very good. A bit of a stressful read. Both books have been. I decide next time I go away alone I’m bringing the 50 Shades trilogy.

10:15AM | I take my first dip in the ocean for the day. I wonder if coming to the resort where I used to come with my ex-boyfriend and his family was a fucking stupid idea. I think of that butterfly meme.

I decide I don’t really give a shit if it’s rock bottom. Turns out rock bottom is warm and sunny. I listen to my vacation playlist on and off. It’s a really good playlist. I really did that. I’m scared if I have water in my ears it will break my AirPods. I roll the dice.

12:43PM | I go to Sharkie’s to get some food. The chefs tell me they are closed until 1PM. I go pee in the ocean and come back to Sharkie’s at 1PM to eat tacos and fries. I really only want the fries but I know if I only eat fries, I’ll feel sick later.

1:15PM | I come back to the beach. I tell myself I’m gonna lay out until 5PM. Then, clouds come through and I can tell it’s going to rain. It rains. I take this as an opportunity to change my bathing suit top. I want to vary up my tan lines so I’m not limited to the black triangle top. These are the things that keep me up at night.

3:04PM | The rain stops. I head back to the pool. The clouds are still covering the sun. It feels like every minute the sun is blocked is a personal attack on me. I’m on my lounge chair next to the pool now and a man in a cutoff tank top approaches with a smile.

Do you speak English?

Yes

That’s a very sexy bathing suit

Thank you!

This doesn’t bother me. Since I don’t derive much joy from food these days, compliments are what I live for (I’m being dramatic - shut up). It’s the only human contact I’ve had all day aside from ordering food at Sharkie’s.

3:30PM | I go back to the beach. A man asks if I need help moving my lounge chair. I’m angling it for optimal sun because I am sick in my brain. I politely decline and he asks if I’m here with a group. He is very friendly and non-threatening. He’s here teaching a volleyball camp. He’s come every year for 26 years. He asks if I’ve been before and I awkwardly explain that I have with my ex-boyfriend but not since the renovations. He says if I’m looking for a group later to find them. They go to all the parties. His name is Albert. Albert from LA.

3:48PM | I notice that my actual ass crack is getting burned. I generously applied sunscreen all over my butt, or so I thought. I go home to shower and decide I should film the videos for Comedy Central’s IG story tonight instead of in the morning. The shower in my room does not subscribe to societal norms of how a shower should operate. There’s not hot to warm to cool to cold. It’s scalding hot or freezing cold. Reminds me of home.

4:23PM | I head back out with my PROPS and begin the process of asking random strangers to assist me in filming content for Comedy Central. This goes well because I think people are in a good mood on vacation and they also probably assume I’m absolutely insane. I think of another tweet:

about to ask all the couples at this resort if they’re looking for a third.

5:14PM | I eat a burger and fries at Sharkie’s. I wonder if this will be my dinner. I wonder why a it’s called a “hamburger” when it’s not from a pig. 

6:39PM | I head back to my room. I put on a leopard Reformation dress to go to dinner and I am pretty sure I’m going to talk to someone tonight. The resort has “G.O.s” who like are supposed to interact with guests and stuff.

6:51PM | I arrive in the dining room and sit with some of the resort chefs. They’re nice and they tell me I should come to the party at 9:45PM because some of the other employees, the guides, are single and fun. I am mad at myself for eating the burger earlier and then a dinner as well. I feel too full.

7:38PM | I’m back from dinner. I consider going to the party that starts at 9:45PM to meet someone hot. I start writing.

10:57PM | I didn’t go to the party! Time for sleep. Sleepy time.

tuesday - day 3

9:23AM | I snoozed my alarm for over an hour once again. I finally get out of bed and brush my teeth. I feel sluggish today. Then, I remember that the dining room has Rice Crispies cereal and almond milk. I fuck with Rice Crispies so I put my bathing suit on and pack my bag. I include my tripod today because I want to get a picture for Instagram.

10:02AM | The Rice Crispies were delicious. I arrive at the beach and claim my chair. I have to pee so I go to the bathroom at Sharkie’s. I step on a sharp shell and my foot starts bleeding.

10:05AM | When I open the door to the two-stall bathroom, there’s another girl in there. She’s startled and says she’s sorry. She tells me that she’s wearing a thong bathing suit for the first time and she thinks she regrets it. I tell her I did the exact same thing yesterday. Just own it, rip the bandaid off, I say, as an expert in thong bathing suits. And remember that no one cares! She agrees and tells me she’s from Nebraska. She’s one of the volleyball coaches for the camp. She is pleasant. I leave the bathroom.

10:14AM | I begin taking pictures on the beach. This is a long and arduous process. The selfie camera is not as good quality when using the timer so then I have to decide if just a face pic will suffice. I try many different angles at the water line. I set up my tripod on a towel so if it falls over, my phone won’t get covered with sand. I wonder what the people playing volleyball think about a woman spending over an hour taking pictures of herself but then I realize once again that no one cares. I get a few options and send them to Kyra to vote on.

12:47PM | I eat at Sharkie’s again and then post my picture. I really hem and haw (yeah, I know phrases) but then I just hit Share and say to hell with it (another phrase, lol). Another crush texts me and asks how my trip is going. I’m just getting to know him and we haven’t hooked up. He doesn’t have the ability to ruin my life (yet). The wifi is better today, which is a bad thing. I’m on my phone more than the days prior and my wrists start to hurt again. I read a lot more of the second book.

I stay on the beach until 3:07PM. I think about what it means to be on vacation. If you go on vacation with someone else, is that really a vacation? (Deep.) You’re still performing. You’re still something to that other person. On my vacation, I’m not anything to anyone. I’m just me to me.

3:16PM | I take a long shower with many temperature adjustments. I get out and try on about 6 different outfit combinations. I hate all of them. I end up going with white KITH shorts and a white bra. I do my makeup and pack up my laptop.

4:30PM | I sit on one of the couches near the bar and start writing again on my laptop. I have to pee pretty badly but I don’t want to pack up all my stuff. I wait about an hour and finally pee.

5:03PM | I start thinking about the first book I read. I’m so upset about this book I break my Twitter rule.

just read a book. that shit fucked me up.

6:17PM | I’ve peed by now and I sit at a table to continue writing. Dinner doesn’t start for an hour. I get a FaceTime call from Megan Patsel. I see my face in the phone and realize I’m a little tan. The connection is bad but I love to see Megan’s face. I remember a song I used to listen to when I first lived in New York that my friend Sarah showed me. I’m glad the resort has strong enough wifi so I can play it on YouTube because it is not available on Spotify because my life sucks.

7:36PM | I finish up the scene I’m working on. I head to eat dinner and once again sit with a few employees. They encourage me to come to the party at 9:45PM. The Tuesday show is the best show, they say. I finish eating and head back to my room. Tonight I feel I’ve only eaten a little too much.

8:58PM | I hit my two hour limit on for social media on my phone. I haven’t done this since I got here. I’m mad at myself for being on my phone so much. I send a few more tweets anyway. I realize that my behavior over the last few months has been destructive and that maybe therapy is no longer working. I need to talk to my therapist when I get back about the approach we are using. I think about how upset I’ve been for months over one of my crushes. When I lost control of the situation, that’s when I lost everything. I hate to feel out of control.

9:45PM | I stare at the tight black dress I brought. It stares back at me. I consider the possibility of going out and meeting someone. There were some hot people I noticed at dinner. I ask myself the ultimate question: What’s the point? The GOs made a good case for coming back to the party. I would rather sleep so that’s what I do.

10:14PM | I watch another episode of Bajillion. I have trouble sleeping. All of this realizing stuff can drive a girl crazy.

wednesday - day 4

7:30AM | I get out of bed to finish packing my stuff. I didn’t bring much. I drink some water and leave the room. Bye room.

8:03AM | The airport van pulls up and the Italians who get in smell pretty bad. Shower you guys! There’s also a couple on the shuttle who wasn’t supposed to be and one of the resort employees calls them out. They stay in the van anyway. The driver’s daughter is in the front seat so it’s too full. We pull away regardless. I love the island mentality. A few minutes later, we pull into an elementary school with no explanation. The driver drops his daughter off. He walks her in. This is cute actually. A real dad moment.

8:25AM | The kiosk at the tiny airport will not print my boarding pass. I speak to a nice woman at the desk and she prints it for me.

9:17AM | At the airport, the wifi isn’t strong enough to load Instagram and Twitter. I’m on a podcast that comes out today and I’m annoyed I’ll be up in the air where I can’t post about it. Vacation’s really over now. The wrists and thumbs are hurting again from using my phone. Before we board, I am pulled aside for extra screening. They wipe some strips on my stuff to check for bomb power (?). Thankfully, they don’t find any.

1:26PM | We land. I take a big breath. My life is waiting for me to pick things back up.

in conclusion

Having time alone is dangerous and beautiful and selfish and important. I spoke maybe 8 sentences total while I was away. I can’t think of a three day period in my life where that’s happened. Maybe when I was a baby and hadn’t learned to talk yet. I needed it. I needed to fill myself up with just being me. I had to escape the everyday to be productive, to reflect (groundbreaking). I realized that I’m actually very happy in my life, despite the things I think I would change if I had the chance.

I think everyone owes it to themselves to experience a vacation alone. 10 out of 10 would do again.

It’s been almost 2 years since you died. October 27, 2017. I still think about you all the time and it makes me really sad. 

I think a lot about the things we’d be doing and making if you were alive. We could’ve made the other episodes of Double Homicide and all the other crazy shit you had in your brain. We could’ve made Body Positive Frat.

I took screenshots of our text convos after you died but not all of them. I wish I did because now I can only scroll back to a few weeks before you overdosed. 

I still have the text from when you told me about the sketch where we would go to planet fitness at 3 in the morning and sign up for memberships. And the one you sent encouraging me to share my #metoo story. And most importantly when you texted me a “♥️” because you were “just sendin love.”

Someone posted Hey Coach on reddit a couple weeks ago. I didn’t read the comments because reddit scares me. My brother read some to me and they were really nice. It has a whole buncha views now, which I think you’d be happy about. Nowhere near the play counts you got on “Spider in My Room (I’m Tryna Fuck It)” but it’s still one of my favorite things I ever did.

The other day, I was telling someone that I don’t really like Halloween that much anymore and he was surprised since I love to dress up. It occurred to me that maybe I don’t like it partly because you died right before. I found out the day after it happened. You died on Friday and I found out on Saturday. I was so upset and I still dressed up and went out anyway and got drunk. We smoked cigarettes and when I got home I cried more that night than I ever have about anything.

Sometimes I use your death to justify bad things that I do. If I’m self-destructive or self-sabotaging, I think “at least I’m still here to even do bad stuff.” Other times it makes me so appreciative of everything that happens and everything I get to feel whether it’s good or bad. I don’t know if that’s wrong to say. I get mad when I realize all the shit you’re missing.

When I think about you, I remember so many good times and good talks and good texts. I also remember the Sunday before you died when we were filming sketches and you were really late and you’d never been late before. I was frustrated. You were acting different and your face looked different. I so wish I had paid more attention — that I had taken you aside and asked if you were okay. I didn’t. And I so wish that our final texts to each other weren’t about your friend who I don’t like. Because there are so many other things I would’ve rather said at the end.

You had been doing fine up until then. Better than fine! Good even!! You were writing so much and performing and everyone loved Off the Horn. (The footage from your Legion show is somewhere being edited by someone and I’m determined to find it. I want to hear your joke about eating spiders a thousand more times.) That’s when I learned that people who seem to be doing the best sometimes need help the most. I didn’t know.

If I could go back, I would tell you how much our friendship impacted me and still does. I would tell you how much I admired your creativity and fearlessness and kindness. Everything we made together was a gift. You were so fucking funny.

I wish you were still here because then I wouldn’t have to guess how you would feel about things. I could just ask you.

Megan and I hosted the annual Pig Roast in February. We are doing one every year. We’ve only done two lol but still. We made the Nasty Man tee shirts! Shelby illustrated it and you look really cool. It’s how I’ll always remember you. With a cigarette and your sunglasses and your shirt from “My Friend’s Streetwear Brand.” 

Miss you so much. There’s some version of all this where you didn’t overdose and we have a tv show somewhere about something. I think we’re really happy there.

xo

read the article at thecut.com

In 2018, the country was thrust into further turmoil when it came to light that for the first time in our nation’s history, the 4th of July was on a Wednesday. Offices were closed only for the day of the 4th (once again on a Wednesday), right in the middle of the week. This forced us (Americans) to make a huge decision: celebrate the weekend before or celebrate the weekend after. 

My high school friends (noted mavericks), decided to say to hell with the weekends! Let’s get brunch ON the 4th instead as our forefathers intended. This was a little bit selfish, as I very publicly, hate eating out in a group. I love my friends and love wins so I agreed to go to brunch as long as I didn’t have to pick the place. One of our trusted friends, Oriana, threw out a suggestion in the West Village and her dad is Italian so I trust her taste in food implicitly. We all agreed to meet at noon on Wednesday the 4th.

Wednesday the 4th turned out to be a hectic morning right from the jump. I had a date the night before and The Guy slept over. The Guy happens to be my friend’s co-worker. Said friend was in the apt that morning with my roommate so the co-workers ran into each other without warning. I got out of bed with just a few minutes to spare before pre-brunch spin class. I threw on some leggings, a bra, and a hat and hauled ass to NoHo.

Class flew by and before I knew it, I was sitting at a table at this restaurant with 4 of my very best friends. Despite my overall feelings on group meals, I approached brunch with an clear head and an open heart. 

In traditional dining form, we were handed menus. That’s where the real trouble began. If I’m at brunch at a restaurant, I’m ordering eggs honey. And on this menu, there were no eggs to be found. NO👏🏼EGGS👏🏼 Not only no eggs, really no brunch/lunch items of any kind. Roasted chicken, duck, shit like that. I’m gluten and dairy free so I decided to order mussels with a side of potatoes.

The waitress comes around and I recognized her so I attempted to have a moment of human connection.

Me: Hey! I recognize you. Do you do improv?

Waitress (emotionless): I do stand-up. I know who you are.

Me: Oh… OK.

Waitress: …

Me: I’ll take the mussels and the roasted potatoes without cheese please.

Waitress: OK.

She took the rest of our order and was on her way. I couldn’t help but think she was offended by my utter stupidity. She does STAND-UP and I asked if she does IMPROV?! She’s totally spitting in my food.

The brunch conversation turned to the usual topics: people from our high school, politics, and where the fuck is our food? An hour and a half since we ordered and there were no plates headed our way. I’m the type of person who takes timeliness really seriously, especially when it comes to food. If I’m given a Seamless delivery window and my food is not delivered, I’m calling the moment that delivery window passes.

Finally, an hour and 45 minutes post-order, the food begins to arrive. As my plate hits the table, it is revealed to me that the mussels have cous cous in the broth, which is decidedly not gluten-free (and was not mentioned on the menu). No problem–I’ll eat around it because I am so accommodating. My cheese-less potatoes arrive. Only they aren’t cheese-less. In fact there is cheese covering every inch of these potatoes.

This is where, in any dining experience, I have a choice to make. I can suck it up and not eat the food I ordered because it wasn’t prepared correctly or I can say something to the waitress. I went with the latter and 15 minutes later, I got the potatoes as ordered. Then comes the real shock.

Me: Can I get some ketchup for the potatoes?

Waitress: We don’t have ketchup.

Me: Like… at all?

Waitress: We don’t have any ketchup here onsite.

Me (scrambling): OK, no problem. Mayo is fine!

Waitress: We don’t have condiments.

Me: …

Waitress: …

Me: OK.

Waitress: We have a salsa verde we use on the chicken.

Me: …I’ll take some of that.

Imagine opening an establishment that serves food to real-live humans and you don’t have a single condiment on the premises?! The lunch was beyond saving at this point. And it was LUNCH by then because it was like 2PM. I bit my tongue and I dipped my potatoes in that salsa verde. (Sacrilege.)

We finished eating and asked for the check. Finally, this nightmare was coming to an end. The bill was triple digits (I don’t remember how much) and we split it–fine. Whatever. We concluded this cursed meal. I just wanted to get the hell out of that place and never look back. 

I came to find out that as I was sitting at this brunch, the bacteria in my urethra was stirring, plotting, and scheming. This was revealed to me later that day when the burning pain began. I had contracted a very bad UTI, which I would be forced to deal with in the days following. If you were looking for a happy ending, you won’t find it here. This terrible brunch would haunt me for days to come. In a lot of ways, I’m still at this brunch. Please help me.

Thank you so much for having us here today, to explain how our company is disrupting an entire industry and how we can help you also become disruptors as well. As you’ll notice, the company name is a word with the vowels removed and that’s exactly how we work. We work out of a WeWork and we work lean. We reduce inefficiencies and we eliminate waste. We are a full-stack, data-mining organization.

What we do is organize and analyze your data so your company can be more data-driven. We are omni-channel–yes, that’s multiple channels, all of them, in fact. We will take all of your company’s information from web, ecommerce, retail, social, in-person, and direct mail and we don’t just compile it, we also compute it. We literally turn your data into data. We’ve created a communication loop between you and the numbers that’s constantly circling back. It’s a continuous circle!

We will streamline the backend so you know exactly where your consumers are coming from and which touchpoints are driving revenue. We call these Revenue Drivers, but you won’t find these guys behind the wheel of a car haha. If you did, you better believe they would be driving Teslas. We will re-org your marketing funnel to make it more effective while we decrease user acquisition cost and increase customer retention and lifetime value. That’s a decrease in UAC and an increase in CLV. Big becomes small and small becomes big. We optimize your audience to broaden market share. You just won’t get this anywhere else! With the latest customer segmentation technology, we don’t help you reach your consumer, we help your consumer reach you. They’ll be begging you to give them what they want, what they never even knew they needed. And they will be paying you for it. They don’t need it, but they think they do. And that’s what we’re going to do for you.

Now you might be asking How? That’s simple. We take all of your softwares and we channel them into a dashboard. This dashboard is highly digestible and actionable. Transparency. It will keep the health of your business top of mind through the monitoring of Key Performance Indicators (KPIs). Your entire executive team is going to be able to see under the hood and make quick decisions based on the findings. Decisions that drive your business, decisions that drive you. That’s right–it’s a comprehensive data funnel. This is different than the marketing funnel because one is data and one is marketing. Six? Try Twelve. 2X? Try 3X. You might be thinking Is that users or dollars? and the answer is YES.

Right now we're just a logo, a decal on window. We have stickers. Designed by the soon-to-be-famous street artist FLÖRG. Here, take a few. Actually a bunch. Please. We have a lot. But we're GOING to be huge. We’re going to be working with fortune 500 hundred companies. That’s right: fortune five hundred-hundred. It’s completely new frontier built on patented technology and you’ll be at the forefront. We are an energized team made up of rockstars, self-starters, ninjas, and evangelists. Our office at the co-working space has beers on tap. We have unlimited vacation days, which no one uses. No one has to worry about job security because we don’t even have an HR department. Sexual harassment claims? Not an issue. Our entire company is men. And we don’t have internal issues with discrimination based on race because we are all white. Happy employees equals happy customers! Your employees are your biggest advocates. But you already knew that!

We don’t have HAVE the product yet, per se, haha. It’s in beta. Well, it’s in pre-beta. That’s where you come in. You tell us what you need, layout the requirements, and then you design it! From there, it’s simple: you build it. We just need you to clearly articulate to US what you need. We provide the roadmap, and we go from there. We'll take notes and SEND THEM DIRECTLY TO YOU. Once you have the minimum viable product (MVP), you continue to iterate until the you reach that final product. It’s so close you can taste it!

We accomplish this on our current operating budget because we have really big servers. They can handle anything you throw at them. Not in terms of full stack code, tech debt or volume, more like if you throw objects at them. Haha. These servers are sturdy as hell! It's like hitting the broadside of a barn. These are computers from 1960! They fill up a whole room! One computer, one room. That’s one to one. And that’s exactly what we do here at our company.

So what are you waiting for? We spent a bunch of money rebranding–new name, new logo, same room-sized computers. We are in our series B round of raising capital. Capital we can put into the business, and better serve you. Our website is still in the process of being built but our engineers are working around the clock. For now, we have a landing page that has all the info you need, plus specs on the umbrella company, which we use to maximize exposure and minimize liability. Look us up on TechCrunch. Now that you’ve heard all the amazing things we can do for your company, the only question is: any questions?

haiku #1
I’m sorry all my 
friends are hot wait no I’m not 
I love my hot friends

haiku #2
he told me that I 
am part robot, part human
and he is correct ✨

haiku #3
you should see me cry 
my face hardly moves at all
the tears–they just fall ✨

haiku #4
my heart is broken 
not over any one thing 
over many things 💘

haiku #5
I forgot what it’s 
like to feel good after I
hope someday I will

Our last conversation was a relatively mundane one. It was Thursday afternoon. He had texted me asking if I was free to film something that night. We decided to push it back. I asked him about a problematic friend of his, who he was beginning to distance himself from. Seven days later, we were at his funeral.

Mike had struggled with addiction, and though he didn’t talk about it much in explicit detail, he never shied away from the subject either. In one of the sketches we shot, he labeled a character’s death as an opioid overdose without skipping a beat. 

He was writing, creating, performing–all of the things you associate with a comedian who is doing well and has his shit together. Now we talk about him in the past tense.

I saw him the week prior to film a couple of sketches and he did seem a little off. Mike always had respect for the work and took it seriously. For this shoot, he showed up late and was visibly frazzled. I didn’t think too much of it and obviously I should have. I wish I had said something instead of just assuming he was fine. I was shocked to hear that 5 days later, he had overdosed on heroine and fentanyl. He has been gone almost a year. I often think about the things he’d be doing if he were still alive. The things we’d be making. I get a little angry and then very sad.

I started writing this yesterday, in the wake of Mac Miller’s overdose and death. I saw the outpouring of love and support on social media. By all accounts, he was an amazingly talented artist, collaborator, and friend. All things I would use to describe my friend Mike.

I stopped writing because I didn’t really have a thesis and maybe I still don’t. But about an hour ago, I received word that one of the best guys I ever met ended his own life last night.

Ryan was so fucking funny. We met in an improv class and I was genuinely excited whenever I would get to do scenes with him. It was a privilege. His comedy was different and it was fun to participate in–an honor to be let into his own world he created. We auditioned for house teams together the following winter and when I asked if he could help me with sound engineering on a project, he said yes, no questions asked.

In all the time we spent together, I had not even one inkling that he struggled with mental health. This may be something he shared with closer friends but outwardly on a social level, he was a funny, jovial guy who wrote music and did comedy. Anyone who follows him on social media knows that he performed on great shows this summer with his long, shaggy hair and warm smile. 

I used to hear about addiction, depression, suicide–things that used to be so far away. Now it feels like they’re getting closer to me and to everyone. They are taking young lives and devastating communities. You can talk to someone, even really know someone, and be completely oblivious to the pain they are grappling with. Tell your friends you love them and then, even more than that, really love them. Be there. Listen. And make sure they know they aren’t alone.

Michael Turzilli was genuinely an amazing person. I can’t believe that just one week ago, Michael and I were downtown filming new episodes of our silly web series, Double Homicide. And today I write, overcome with sadness, to say goodbye to my friend.

Michael was a force. I don’t remember if I met him for the first time in our improv class with Patrick Noth or if we’d been introduced in the weeks prior. I do remember that it didn’t take long to see how intelligent and funny he was. Over eight weeks, we studied improv in a class of 16 students and had so much fucking fun. As the summer progressed and our friendship grew, I was constantly in awe of Michael. His mind just worked differently than other people’s. He was operating on another level. Michael’s iPhone 7 unboxing video was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. After I watched that, I said to Megan, “Michael is a genius and I don’t think the world is even ready for him yet.” I remember being excited to watch the world catch up with Michael. I got to see a little bit of that with Off the Horn, which I know he was so proud of.

Michael was unbelievably hard-working and wrote constantly. We’re both from Connecticut and had planned to film something over July 4th weekend. He sent me a few scripts and I read Double Homicide, crying laughing by myself going through the lines. To this day, it’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever been in. I was so happy to continue making things with Michael because he was highly motivated and consistently hilarious. This sounds insane but his video The Review blew my mind.

Michael was truly a wonderful man and friend. He was very concerned with being a good guy, although he didn’t have to worry because it came to him naturally. As we wrapped Hey Coach, a ridiculously funny sketch he wrote about a gay teenager confiding in his football coach, Michael said “This is the most progressive thing I’ve ever done.” I am thankful for every opportunity I got to work with Michael.

Michael was always there, ready to talk and even more ready to listen. He was open about what he struggled with and I admired that. We talked a lot about the terrible shit that’s happening to women in every industry, but specifically comedy. Michael had a profound understanding of what it meant to be an ally for women. He didn’t have to tell everyone about it or make it “a thing.” He just was. We were texting 2 weeks ago while I wasn’t sure about writing a Me Too post. When I asked him what to do, he said this:

Idk what that's like but I do kno for addiction even though it's uncomfortable to start the convo you may be robbing someone of the opportunity to get inspired by your post and post something themselves

Like maybe someone who's on the verge of posting it and experiencing some relief sees yours and decides to do it

That was Michael. Supportive, caring, and open. Fundamentally good.

Michael will be missed by so many. I feel lucky to have known him and to have worked with him. I’m really going to miss the random texts with just a few words–always an idea for a new video or article or a tee shirt that says “Nasty Man” (lol). I’m going to miss him saying insane shit like “with your body girl, you could be like a professional snow boarder... maybe even olympic level.” I’m going to miss all the things he’ll never have the opportunity to create. I’m going to miss my friend. I can’t express how much people loved him. In his 24 years, he impacted the lives of so many and it pains me so much to say goodbye to Michael Turzilli.