On November 18th, I booked a trip to Club Med Turks & Caicos. The twist?? I went by myself. I really wanted to go to a place where I couldn’t do any shows or hang out with anyone or feel distracted so I could get some writing done and do some REALIZING STUFF (per Kylie Jenner). I was hoping to come away with a few things (some tangible, some not), one of them being whether I’d recommend a solo vacation to others. I just got back and here you’ll see I’ve detailed the trip for you and my conclusion.

sunday - day 1

7:42AM | Dad drives me to the airport. We were supposed to leave at 7:30 but I didn’t want to get out of bed. Dad watched The Irishman the night before. He tells me he thought it was too long. He goes into the plot a little. I remain firm in my belief that I will never see the film. I think of a tweet but I’m not tweeting at the moment because I think twitter is making my brain decompose slowly. Here’s what I would’ve tweeted:

The Irishman is important bc the mob needs representation.

8:25AM | We make good time getting to JFK. I speed through security because I have TSA Pre-Check. I buy a FIJI water at a random establishment because the JetBlue terminal does not have a Hudson News.

8:50AM | I start one of the two books I purchased at McNally Jackson for the purpose of this trip. My process for buying books is to go into McNally Jackson and shop based on the covers. Sorry, it’s just who I am. The first book is called “Three Women” by Lisa Taddeo. It’s a detailed study and exploration of 3 American women’s sex lives. I can tell within the first 3 pages I’m going to like it.

9:44AM | We board the plane. It’s wild to me the emergency exit row seats are marketed as Even More Space or something and they often go empty because they’re more expensive. Who is going to save my ass if we go down?

1:32PM | The plane lands. I’ve gotten through about two thirds of the book. We deplane and I see a lot of families with young kids. Dads who look engaged and that makes me happy for them but also happy for me because I booked my stay at an adults-only resort where I know these children will not be.

1:46PM | I’m waiting at customs. I watch a woman cut the entire line by just saying “excuse me” and passing through. She’s earned my respect.

2:33PM | The van taking us from the airport pulls in to the resort. I’m immediately clocking every single person to assess whether or not they are hot enough to talk to. We are greeted and the employees tell us about our rooms and more importantly, the wifi. I connect. I have texts from two of my crushes. One is a boy and one is a girl. One is toxic and one is not. I feel okay saying that because I don’t think he’s reading this because I don’t think he actually cares about me or anything that I do. I put my phone down because I want to focus on what’s important: getting to the beach.

4:02PM | My room wasn’t ready when I arrived so I ate fries and tacos at Sharkie’s, the bar on the beach. I was on the verge of tears because I was really hungry. I get my bags to my room and finally change into my bathing suit, which consists of a black triangle top and thong bikini bottoms. I bought these specifically for the purposes of this trip. Some days I look in the mirror and I really, truly despise what I see. My brain tells me that if I had come on vacation before I gained 2lbs, I would be happier. I can be toxic all by myself ;) I wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake with the thong bottoms. I think of another tweet:

full from thanksgiving? might I suggest a trip to the beach?

4:16PM | I put on my green bottoms for today and head to the beach. I drop my things and run into the water. I realize that if I got pulled under by the current, no one would even know. I get out of the water. I’m almost done with this book by now. Some parts feel like the author is talking about me or directly to me. Some examples:

“… it’s funny when you’re in love or about to fall back in love, it’s funny how every single song is about that person.” p83

“..she doesn’t know whether it’s better to have a man who doesn’t love you than no man at all.” p81

“Men come to insert themselves, they turn a girl into a city. When they leave, their residue remains, the discoloration on the wood where the sun came through every day for many days, until one day it didn’t.” p63

“Sometimes there’s nothing worse than waiting for a text and being texted by the wrong person, by any person who is not that person.” p227

“The problem… is that a man will never let you fall completely into hell. He will scoop you up right before you drop the final inch so you cannot blame him for sending you there.” p164

I cry a little bit in the lounge chair. Sometimes, being a woman feels very unfair. The sun goes behind clouds. Beach time is over for today. I miss New York for the first time.

6:03PM | After I’ve showered and realized I brought like five shirts with no bottoms to go with them, I put on a white cropped tee and some pants from Reformation. I head to hang out near the dining room and finish my book. An older woman comments that I seem really “into” my book and her assessment is correct. I finish the book. I think of another tweet.

is dick ever really that good?

Clearly this book is thought-provoking.

7:12PM | I eat dinner alone and head back to my room to work on a script I’m writing. I think maybe at dinner tomorrow I’ll talk to some people.

12:16AM | I feel like I’ve written enough for the night. I have no wifi to stream in my room so I have to watch whatever I have saved on iTunes. I’m pleased it’s Bajillion Dollar Properties Season 2. I’ve seen this many times so I start at Episode 4. I set my alarm for 8AM and fall asleep.

monday - day 2

9:15AM | I get out of bed. I snoozed for over an hour. Whatever! I get in my bathing suit and put on sunscreen. Today is about the BEACH. I’ve come back around on my thong bathing suit bottoms, although my reflection still makes me want to jump out my second story window. I wouldn’t do that though because I’m too vain :)

9:36AM | I eat breakfast quickly so I can get maximum sun time. I text back my crushes. I go from the pool to the beach where I see a lot of couples. All the women have huge boobs and I’m like a little jealous to be honest. I think about the moments in life where I wanted a boob job. I’ll probably never get one. I begin reading the second book called White Negroes by Lauren Michelle Jackson. It’s about cultural appropriation and it’s very good. A bit of a stressful read. Both books have been. I decide next time I go away alone I’m bringing the 50 Shades trilogy.

10:15AM | I take my first dip in the ocean for the day. I wonder if coming to the resort where I used to come with my ex-boyfriend and his family was a fucking stupid idea. I think of that butterfly meme.

I decide I don’t really give a shit if it’s rock bottom. Turns out rock bottom is warm and sunny. I listen to my vacation playlist on and off. It’s a really good playlist. I really did that. I’m scared if I have water in my ears it will break my AirPods. I roll the dice.

12:43PM | I go to Sharkie’s to get some food. The chefs tell me they are closed until 1PM. I go pee in the ocean and come back to Sharkie’s at 1PM to eat tacos and fries. I really only want the fries but I know if I only eat fries, I’ll feel sick later.

1:15PM | I come back to the beach. I tell myself I’m gonna lay out until 5PM. Then, clouds come through and I can tell it’s going to rain. It rains. I take this as an opportunity to change my bathing suit top. I want to vary up my tan lines so I’m not limited to the black triangle top. These are the things that keep me up at night.

3:04PM | The rain stops. I head back to the pool. The clouds are still covering the sun. It feels like every minute the sun is blocked is a personal attack on me. I’m on my lounge chair next to the pool now and a man in a cutoff tank top approaches with a smile.

Do you speak English?

Yes

That’s a very sexy bathing suit

Thank you!

This doesn’t bother me. Since I don’t derive much joy from food these days, compliments are what I live for (I’m being dramatic - shut up). It’s the only human contact I’ve had all day aside from ordering food at Sharkie’s.

3:30PM | I go back to the beach. A man asks if I need help moving my lounge chair. I’m angling it for optimal sun because I am sick in my brain. I politely decline and he asks if I’m here with a group. He is very friendly and non-threatening. He’s here teaching a volleyball camp. He’s come every year for 26 years. He asks if I’ve been before and I awkwardly explain that I have with my ex-boyfriend but not since the renovations. He says if I’m looking for a group later to find them. They go to all the parties. His name is Albert. Albert from LA.

3:48PM | I notice that my actual ass crack is getting burned. I generously applied sunscreen all over my butt, or so I thought. I go home to shower and decide I should film the videos for Comedy Central’s IG story tonight instead of in the morning. The shower in my room does not subscribe to societal norms of how a shower should operate. There’s not hot to warm to cool to cold. It’s scalding hot or freezing cold. Reminds me of home.

4:23PM | I head back out with my PROPS and begin the process of asking random strangers to assist me in filming content for Comedy Central. This goes well because I think people are in a good mood on vacation and they also probably assume I’m absolutely insane. I think of another tweet:

about to ask all the couples at this resort if they’re looking for a third.

5:14PM | I eat a burger and fries at Sharkie’s. I wonder if this will be my dinner. I wonder why a it’s called a “hamburger” when it’s not from a pig. 

6:39PM | I head back to my room. I put on a leopard Reformation dress to go to dinner and I am pretty sure I’m going to talk to someone tonight. The resort has “G.O.s” who like are supposed to interact with guests and stuff.

6:51PM | I arrive in the dining room and sit with some of the resort chefs. They’re nice and they tell me I should come to the party at 9:45PM because some of the other employees, the guides, are single and fun. I am mad at myself for eating the burger earlier and then a dinner as well. I feel too full.

7:38PM | I’m back from dinner. I consider going to the party that starts at 9:45PM to meet someone hot. I start writing.

10:57PM | I didn’t go to the party! Time for sleep. Sleepy time.

tuesday - day 3

9:23AM | I snoozed my alarm for over an hour once again. I finally get out of bed and brush my teeth. I feel sluggish today. Then, I remember that the dining room has Rice Crispies cereal and almond milk. I fuck with Rice Crispies so I put my bathing suit on and pack my bag. I include my tripod today because I want to get a picture for Instagram.

10:02AM | The Rice Crispies were delicious. I arrive at the beach and claim my chair. I have to pee so I go to the bathroom at Sharkie’s. I step on a sharp shell and my foot starts bleeding.

10:05AM | When I open the door to the two-stall bathroom, there’s another girl in there. She’s startled and says she’s sorry. She tells me that she’s wearing a thong bathing suit for the first time and she thinks she regrets it. I tell her I did the exact same thing yesterday. Just own it, rip the bandaid off, I say, as an expert in thong bathing suits. And remember that no one cares! She agrees and tells me she’s from Nebraska. She’s one of the volleyball coaches for the camp. She is pleasant. I leave the bathroom.

10:14AM | I begin taking pictures on the beach. This is a long and arduous process. The selfie camera is not as good quality when using the timer so then I have to decide if just a face pic will suffice. I try many different angles at the water line. I set up my tripod on a towel so if it falls over, my phone won’t get covered with sand. I wonder what the people playing volleyball think about a woman spending over an hour taking pictures of herself but then I realize once again that no one cares. I get a few options and send them to Kyra to vote on.

12:47PM | I eat at Sharkie’s again and then post my picture. I really hem and haw (yeah, I know phrases) but then I just hit Share and say to hell with it (another phrase, lol). Another crush texts me and asks how my trip is going. I’m just getting to know him and we haven’t hooked up. He doesn’t have the ability to ruin my life (yet). The wifi is better today, which is a bad thing. I’m on my phone more than the days prior and my wrists start to hurt again. I read a lot more of the second book.

I stay on the beach until 3:07PM. I think about what it means to be on vacation. If you go on vacation with someone else, is that really a vacation? (Deep.) You’re still performing. You’re still something to that other person. On my vacation, I’m not anything to anyone. I’m just me to me.

3:16PM | I take a long shower with many temperature adjustments. I get out and try on about 6 different outfit combinations. I hate all of them. I end up going with white KITH shorts and a white bra. I do my makeup and pack up my laptop.

4:30PM | I sit on one of the couches near the bar and start writing again on my laptop. I have to pee pretty badly but I don’t want to pack up all my stuff. I wait about an hour and finally pee.

5:03PM | I start thinking about the first book I read. I’m so upset about this book I break my Twitter rule.

just read a book. that shit fucked me up.

6:17PM | I’ve peed by now and I sit at a table to continue writing. Dinner doesn’t start for an hour. I get a FaceTime call from Megan Patsel. I see my face in the phone and realize I’m a little tan. The connection is bad but I love to see Megan’s face. I remember a song I used to listen to when I first lived in New York that my friend Sarah showed me. I’m glad the resort has strong enough wifi so I can play it on YouTube because it is not available on Spotify because my life sucks.

7:36PM | I finish up the scene I’m working on. I head to eat dinner and once again sit with a few employees. They encourage me to come to the party at 9:45PM. The Tuesday show is the best show, they say. I finish eating and head back to my room. Tonight I feel I’ve only eaten a little too much.

8:58PM | I hit my two hour limit on for social media on my phone. I haven’t done this since I got here. I’m mad at myself for being on my phone so much. I send a few more tweets anyway. I realize that my behavior over the last few months has been destructive and that maybe therapy is no longer working. I need to talk to my therapist when I get back about the approach we are using. I think about how upset I’ve been for months over one of my crushes. When I lost control of the situation, that’s when I lost everything. I hate to feel out of control.

9:45PM | I stare at the tight black dress I brought. It stares back at me. I consider the possibility of going out and meeting someone. There were some hot people I noticed at dinner. I ask myself the ultimate question: What’s the point? The GOs made a good case for coming back to the party. I would rather sleep so that’s what I do.

10:14PM | I watch another episode of Bajillion. I have trouble sleeping. All of this realizing stuff can drive a girl crazy.

wednesday - day 4

7:30AM | I get out of bed to finish packing my stuff. I didn’t bring much. I drink some water and leave the room. Bye room.

8:03AM | The airport van pulls up and the Italians who get in smell pretty bad. Shower you guys! There’s also a couple on the shuttle who wasn’t supposed to be and one of the resort employees calls them out. They stay in the van anyway. The driver’s daughter is in the front seat so it’s too full. We pull away regardless. I love the island mentality. A few minutes later, we pull into an elementary school with no explanation. The driver drops his daughter off. He walks her in. This is cute actually. A real dad moment.

8:25AM | The kiosk at the tiny airport will not print my boarding pass. I speak to a nice woman at the desk and she prints it for me.

9:17AM | At the airport, the wifi isn’t strong enough to load Instagram and Twitter. I’m on a podcast that comes out today and I’m annoyed I’ll be up in the air where I can’t post about it. Vacation’s really over now. The wrists and thumbs are hurting again from using my phone. Before we board, I am pulled aside for extra screening. They wipe some strips on my stuff to check for bomb power (?). Thankfully, they don’t find any.

1:26PM | We land. I take a big breath. My life is waiting for me to pick things back up.

in conclusion

Having time alone is dangerous and beautiful and selfish and important. I spoke maybe 8 sentences total while I was away. I can’t think of a three day period in my life where that’s happened. Maybe when I was a baby and hadn’t learned to talk yet. I needed it. I needed to fill myself up with just being me. I had to escape the everyday to be productive, to reflect (groundbreaking). I realized that I’m actually very happy in my life, despite the things I think I would change if I had the chance.

I think everyone owes it to themselves to experience a vacation alone. 10 out of 10 would do again.